Date Rape

When people think of rape, they might think of a stranger jumping out of a shadowy place and sexually attacking someone. But it's not only strangers who rape. In fact, about half of all people who are raped know the person who attacked them.

Most friendships, acquaintances, and dates never lead to violence, of course. But, sadly, sometimes it happens. When forced sex occurs between two people who already know each other, it is known as date rape or acquaintance rape.

Even if the two people know each other well, and even if they were intimate or had sex before, no one has the right to force a sexual act on another person against his or her will.

Girls and women are most often raped, but guys can also be raped: 7% to 10% of rape victims are male.

Even though rape involves forced sex, rape is not about sex or passion. Rape has nothing to do with love. Rape is an act of aggression and violence.

You may hear some people say that those who have been raped were somehow "asking for it" because of the clothes they wore or the way they acted. That's wrong: The person who is raped is not to blame. Rape is always the fault of the rapist. And that's also the case when two people are dating - or even in an intimate relationship. One person never owes the other person sex. If sex is forced against someone's will, that's rape.

Healthy relationships involve respect - including respect for the feelings of others. Someone who really cares about you will respect your wishes and not force or pressure you to have sex.

Alcohol and Drugs

Alcohol is often involved in date rapes. Drinking can loosen inhibitions, dull common sense, and - for some people - allow aggressive tendencies to surface.

Drugs may also play a role. You may have heard about "date rape" drugs like rohypnol ("roofies"), gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB), and ketamine. Drugs like these can easily be mixed in drinks to make a person black out and forget things that happen. Both girls and guys who have been given these drugs report feeling paralyzed, having blurred vision, and lack of memory.

Mixing these drugs with alcohol is highly dangerous and can kill.

Protecting Yourself

The best defense against date rape is to try to prevent it whenever possible. Here are some things both girls and guys can do:

• Avoid secluded places (this may even mean your room or your partner's) until you trust your partner.
• Don't spend time alone with someone who makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. This means following your instincts and removing yourself from situations that you don't feel good about.
• Stay sober and aware. If you're with someone you don't know very well, be aware of what's going on around you and try to stay in control. Also, be aware of your date's ability to consent to sexual activity - you may become guilty of committing rape if the other person is not in a condition to respond or react.
• Know what you want. Be clear about what kind of relationship you want with another person. If you are not sure, then ask the other person to respect your feelings and to give you time. Don't allow yourself to be subject to peer pressure or encouraged to do something that you don't want to do.
• Go out with a group of friends and watch out for each other.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel threatened.
• Take self-defense courses. These can build confidence and teach valuable physical techniques a person can use to get away from an attacker.

Getting Help

Unfortunately, even if someone takes every precaution, date rape can still happen. If you're raped, here are some things that you can do:

• If you're injured, go straight to the emergency room - most medical centers and hospital emergency departments have doctors and counselors who have been trained to take care of someone who has been raped.
• Call or find a friend, family member, or someone you feel safe with and tell them what happened.
• If you want to report the rape, call the police right away. Preserve all the physical evidence. Don't change clothes or wash.
• Write down as much as you can remember about the event.
• If you aren't sure what to do, call a rape crisis center. If you don't know the number, your local phone book will have hotline numbers.

Don't be afraid to ask questions and get information. You'll have lots of questions as you go through the process - such as whether to report the rape, who to tell, and the kinds of reactions you may get from others.

Rape isn't just physically damaging - it can be emotionally traumatic as well. It may be hard to think or talk about something as personal as being raped by someone you know. But talking with a trained rape crisis counselor or other mental health professional can give you the right emotional attention, care, and support to begin the healing process. Working things through can help prevent lingering problems later on.

Reviewed by: Barbara P. Homeier, MD

Date reviewed: January 2006

Original Article

Date Rape

When people think of rape, they might think of a stranger jumping out of a shadowy place and sexually attacking someone. But it's not only strangers who rape. In fact, about half of all people who are raped know the person who attacked them.

Most friendships, acquaintances, and dates never lead to violence, of course. But, sadly, sometimes it happens. When forced sex occurs between two people who already know each other, it is known as date rape or acquaintance rape.

Even if the two people know each other well, and even if they were intimate or had sex before, no one has the right to force a sexual act on another person against his or her will.

Girls and women are most often raped, but guys can also be raped: 7% to 10% of rape victims are male.

Even though rape involves forced sex, rape is not about sex or passion. Rape has nothing to do with love. Rape is an act of aggression and violence.

You may hear some people say that those who have been raped were somehow "asking for it" because of the clothes they wore or the way they acted. That's wrong: The person who is raped is not to blame. Rape is always the fault of the rapist. And that's also the case when two people are dating - or even in an intimate relationship. One person never owes the other person sex. If sex is forced against someone's will, that's rape.

Healthy relationships involve respect - including respect for the feelings of others. Someone who really cares about you will respect your wishes and not force or pressure you to have sex.

PIC

Alcohol and Drugs

Alcohol is often involved in date rapes. Drinking can loosen inhibitions, dull common sense, and - for some people - allow aggressive tendencies to surface.

Drugs may also play a role. You may have heard about "date rape" drugs like rohypnol ("roofies"), gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB), and ketamine. Drugs like these can easily be mixed in drinks to make a person black out and forget things that happen. Both girls and guys who have been given these drugs report feeling paralyzed, having blurred vision, and lack of memory.

Mixing these drugs with alcohol is highly dangerous and can kill.

Protecting Yourself

The best defense against date rape is to try to prevent it whenever possible. Here are some things both girls and guys can do:

• Avoid secluded places (this may even mean your room or your partner's) until you trust your partner.
• Don't spend time alone with someone who makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. This means following your instincts and removing yourself from situations that you don't feel good about.
• Stay sober and aware. If you're with someone you don't know very well, be aware of what's going on around you and try to stay in control. Also, be aware of your date's ability to consent to sexual activity - you may become guilty of committing rape if the other person is not in a condition to respond or react.
• Know what you want. Be clear about what kind of relationship you want with another person. If you are not sure, then ask the other person to respect your feelings and to give you time. Don't allow yourself to be subject to peer pressure or encouraged to do something that you don't want to do.
• Go out with a group of friends and watch out for each other.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel threatened.
• Take self-defense courses. These can build confidence and teach valuable physical techniques a person can use to get away from an attacker.

Getting Help

Unfortunately, even if someone takes every precaution, date rape can still happen. If you're raped, here are some things that you can do:

• If you're injured, go straight to the emergency room - most medical centers and hospital emergency departments have doctors and counselors who have been trained to take care of someone who has been raped.
• Call or find a friend, family member, or someone you feel safe with and tell them what happened.
• If you want to report the rape, call the police right away. Preserve all the physical evidence. Don't change clothes or wash.
• Write down as much as you can remember about the event.
• If you aren't sure what to do, call a rape crisis center. If you don't know the number, your local phone book will have hotline numbers.

Don't be afraid to ask questions and get information. You'll have lots of questions as you go through the process - such as whether to report the rape, who to tell, and the kinds of reactions you may get from others.

Rape isn't just physically damaging - it can be emotionally traumatic as well. It may be hard to think or talk about something as personal as being raped by someone you know. But talking with a trained rape crisis counselor or other mental health professional can give you the right emotional attention, care, and support to begin the healing process. Working things through can help prevent lingering problems later on.

Reviewed by: Barbara P. Homeier, MD

Date reviewed: January 2006

Original Article

Younger Women at Great Risk of Intimate Partner Violence

Women age 16 to 24 are most vulnerable to intimate partner violence, according to a new report released by the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-99 provides statistical information on the prevalence of domestic violence and the characteristics of victims of abuse. The report examines victims’ age and gender, finding that women are more likely to be victims of domestic violence than men, and women in their late teens and early twenties are more likely to experience abuse than women of other ages.

“The report confirms that domestic violence and domestic homicide are primarily crimes against women, and that young women are at great risk for domestic violence,” said Family Violence Prevention Fund Executive Director Esta Soler. “As a nation, we need to allocate resources to stop teen dating violence and ensure that comprehensive services are available to every woman – regardless of age – who is abused. We need a commitment to educate girls about how to protect themselves from relationship violence and to teach boys that violence against girls and women is always wrong.”

Intimate Partner Violence, written by Callie Marie Rennison, PhD, is based on the findings of the National Criminal Victimization Survey (NCVS) data collected by the BJS and homicide data collected by the FBI. The NCVS collects information about crimes that are both reported to the police and not reported, and provides information on the frequency, characteristics and consequences of criminal victimization.

Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence is widespread, and women are the victims of abuse more often than men are. In 1999, 671,110 women were the victims of domestic violence, according to Intimate Partner Violence. Eight-five percent of all victims of intimate partner violence were women, while 15 percent (120,100) were men. Intimate partner violence against women most often took the form of simple assault (66 percent), rape or sexual assault (14 percent), or aggravated assault (10 percent).

Intimate Partner Violence notes that between 1993 and 1999, there was a nationwide decrease in crime. The rate of intimate violence against women also declined, but to a lesser extent, during the period. From 1993 to 1999, intimate partner violence against women decreased by 41 percent, from 1.1 million women in 1993 to 671,110 in 1999.

Intimate Partner Violence and Age

The rates of intimate partner violence “differ greatly” depending on the age of the victim, according to the report. Women between the ages of 16 and 24 are nearly three times more vulnerable to intimate partner violence (excluding intimate partner homicide) than women in other age groups. In 1999, the overall rate of intimate partner violence against women was 5.8 victimizations per 1,000 women, but the rate was 15.6 per 1,000 women for those aged 16 to 24.

The higher rate of intimate partner violence exists regardless of young women’s marital status, notes Intimate Partner Violence. Women between the ages of 20 and 24 were victimized at a higher rate than older women, regardless of marital status. In general, the report adds, women who are separated experienced intimate partner violence at rates “significantly higher” than women in any other marital category. Separated women age 20 to 34 had the highest average rates of intimate partner violence of women in any age group.

The pattern of younger women being most vulnerable to victimization was consistent across racial lines as well, Intimate Partner Violence finds. The rate of intimate partner violence peaked for both white and African American women between the ages of 20 and 24. The rate of intimate partner violence for Hispanic women peaked between the ages of 16 and 34.

Intimate Partner Homicide

Male murder victims were “substantially less likely” than female victims to have been killed by an intimate partner, finds the report. Intimate partner homicide accounted for 32 percent of the murders of women in 1999 and approximately four percent of the murders of men. In 1999, 1,642 people were killed by intimates and three in four victims were women. Of the victims, 74 percent (1,218) were female and 26 percent (424) were male.

While women in their teens and early twenties have the highest rate of intimate partner violence, women between the ages of 35 and 49 are “the most vulnerable” to intimate partner homicide, according to the report. Between 1993 and 1999, intimate partner homicides made up 32 percent of the homicides of women between the ages of 20 and 24, compared with nearly 40 percent of the homicides of women between the ages of 35 and 49. In 1999, women in this age group were murdered by an intimate partner at rates greater than women in any other age group.

But the report notes that woman between the ages of 20 and 34 also had high rates of intimate partner homicide. Young women (age 12 to 15) and women over age 50 experienced the lowest homicide rates among females. However, in every age category, women are more likely than men to be murdered by an intimate partner.

Intimate Partner Violence is available on the Bureau of Justice Statistics’ web site. Copies of the report also can be ordered through the BJS clearinghouse number, 800/732-3277.

Source:

Intimate Partner Violence

http://www.endabuse.org

Original Article

Teens and Dating Violence

Dating violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other, and it includes:

• Any kind of physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control
• Emotional or mental abuse, such as playing mind games, making you feel crazy, or constantly putting you down or criticizing you
• Sexual abuse, including making you do anything you don’t want to, refusing to have safe sex or making you feel badly about yourself sexually

Does your boyfriend:

• Have a history of bad relationships or past violence; always blames his/her problems on other people; or blames you for “making” him/her treat you badly?
• Try to use drugs or alcohol to coerce you or get you alone when you don’t want to be?
• Try to control you by being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously or making all of the decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do, etc.?
• Talk negatively about people in sexual ways or talk about sex like it’s a game or contest?

Do you:

• Feel less confident about yourself when you’re with him/her?
• Feel scared or worried about doing or saying “the wrong thing?”
• Find yourself changing your behavior out of fear or to avoid a fight?

Dating violence is more than just arguing or fighting.

Teens who abuse their girlfriends or boyfriends do the same things that adults who abuse their partners do. Teen dating violence is just as serious as adult domestic violence.

Teens are seriously at risk for dating violence. Research shows that physical or sexual abuse is a part of 1 in 3 high school relationships.

In 95% of abusive relationships, men abuse women. However, young women can be violent, and young men can also be victims. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gendered teens are just as at risk for abuse in their relationships as anyone else.

Abusive relationships have good times and bad times. Part of what makes dating violence so confusing and painful is that there is love mixed with the abuse. This can make it hard to tell if you are really being abused.

Unfortunately, without help, the violence will only get worse. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with someone about it. You can also call the Hotline for more information about dating violence or other resources for teens. Their number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Original Content by The National Domestic Violence Hotline

If you or someone you know is being abused, you don't have to do it alone.

Please, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Many Teens in Intimate Relationships Are Abused by Their Partners

Timothy A. Roberts, MD, LCDR; Jonathan Klein, MD, MPH

Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, April 2003

Abuse in adolescent dating relationships is common, say researchers from the University of Rochester School of Medicine who examined abusive teen relationships and links to other risky behaviors.

Using data from a large national health study of adolescents between 11 and 21 years of age, researchers asked teens whether they had ever had an intimate partner who called them names, insulted them, treated them disrespectfully, swore at them, threatened them with violence, pushed or shoved them, or threw something at them that could hurt them. In the study, the teens also reported whether they used substances such as tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana in the last year. Teens answered questions about whether they had engaged in antisocial behavior, such as destroying property, stealing, lying to parents, or running away, during the past year. Teens also answered questions about their participation in violence, such as fighting, threatening someone with a weapon, or shooting or stabbing someone. The teens were also asked about symptoms of depression.

Both teen girls and boys reported similar rates of abuse by intimate partners; 21% of teen boys and 22% of teen girls said they were abused by intimate partners. Girls who had a history of abuse were significantly more likely to use substances, be depressed and suicidal, and participate in violent and antisocial behaviors. Boys who had a history of abuse were significantly more likely to practice antisocial and violent behavior and be depressed. 

What This Means to You: Abuse by an intimate partner is common among adolescent boys and girls and may increase a teen's risk for depression or participation in other risky behaviors. Signs of abuse by an intimate partner may include: unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks; excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason; secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family; and avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense. If your child is being abused, he or she needs your patience, love, and understanding. Talk to your child's doctor or a mental health professional about how to help your child recover from abuse and avoid risky behaviors.

Original Article

If You are a Victim of Teen Dating Violence

Definitions

What is teen dating violence?

• Teen dating violence is abusive and violent behavior in teen dating relationships.
• It reflects the perpetrator's desire to control and dominate the victim.
• It happens in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.
• It covers a wide range of behavior that includes verbal and emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and physical violence.

Verbal or emotional abuse

includes name-calling, threats, screaming, yelling, ridiculing, criticizing, emotional blackmailing, and stalking

Sexual abuse

includes verbal sexual abuse such as sexual slurs or attacks on the victim's gender or sexual orientation, unwanted sexual touching and kissing, intimidation to force the victim to engage in any kind of sexual activity, and rape

Physical abuse

includes shoving, punching, slapping, pinching, hitting, kicking, hair pulling, choking, use of a weapon, and any other acts causing physical harm

Facts

Is teen dating violence a big problem?

The majority of teenagers in the United States have dating relationships and teens say dating violence is common:

• In one survey, over 40 percent of male and female high school students said they had been victims of dating violence at least once.
• 50 percent to 80 percent of teens have reported knowing others who were involved in violent relationships.
• 15 percent of teen girls and boys have reported being victims of severe dating violence (defined as being hit, kicked, thrown down or attacked with a weapon) in the past year.
• 8 percent of 8th and 9th grade students have reported being victims of sexual dating violence.

Who are the victims of teen dating violence?

• Teens in all ethnic groups, socioeconomic groups, and geographic regions experience dating violence.
• Both male and female teens may be victims-but boys inflict more serious physical injuries on girls than girls inflict on boys.

Who is most at risk?

• Boys are more likely to be pinched, slapped, scratched, or kicked by dating partners.
• Girls are much more at risk for severe violence, sexual violence, and injuries requiring medical attention.
• Girls are more likely to be punched and forced to engage in unwanted sexual activity.
• Some girls become pregnant as the result of rape or because their boyfriends won't let them use contraceptives.
• Pregnant teens are at greater risk for physical assault by intimate partners.
• Girls experience more psychological abuse from dating partners than boys.
• Young women, ages 16 to 24 years, experience the highest rates of relationship violence.

Who are the perpetrators?

• Both male and female teens commit dating violence but boys initiate the violence more often, use greater force, and are more repeatedly abusive to their dating partners than girls.
• Almost three-quarters of perpetrators have also been victims of teen dating violence

The Dynamics and Impact of Teen Dating Violence

What is the experience of victims?

• Dating violence may first emerge as occasional outbursts that both victims and perpetrators interpret as expressions of passion or attempts to improve their relationship.
• Many victims are threatened, criticized, and humiliated by dating partners-making them feel stupid, incapable, lazy, ugly, worthless, helpless, crazy, or trapped.

In some relationships, dating violence may never move beyond emotional and verbal abuse. In other relationships, it may escalate from verbal abuse to physical and sexual violence, or involve a mix of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse from the start

• Many victims experience more than one type of abuse.
• In some relationships the abuse only happens from time to time, while in others it continues day after day without a break.
• The abuse can be minor or involve serious violence that gets worse and more frightening over time.
• Girls are frequently pinched, slapped, grabbed, and shoved but may also get pressured to engage in sex or drug taking, or raped.
• Perpetrators may use a variety of oppressive techniques to control victims-such as forcing partners to carry pagers or cell phones and respond immediately when called to say where they are and what they are doing.
• Sometimes there's a pattern-tension builds up, violence erupts, the abuser calms down, for a while everything seems fine, then tension increases again, and the cycle is repeated.
• Victims may or may not see a pattern in the abuser's behavior.
• Some abusers never apologize for their behavior. Others promise to stop the violence, give their partners gifts, and beg forgiveness-but if the victim accepts the apologies, it's usually only a matter of time before the violence resumes.
• Abuse and violence is often linked (directly or indirectly) to alcohol or drug habits- but the fact that an abuser is drunk or high can never excuse the behavior.

Why do some teen boys behave violently towards dating partners?

• Teen boys often associate physical strength and aggression with "masculinity" or "machismo."
• Many teen boys believe men have to dominate and control women to gain the respect of their peers and that they are entitled to demand sex from their girlfriends.

Do all victims respond to dating violence in the same way?

In general:

• Girls are more likely to be upset, to cry, and to fight back.
• Boys are more likely to laugh at dating violence, take it less seriously than girls, or ignore it.

Individual victim responses may include:

• Confusion about the violence and their relationship with the abuser
• Anxiety about what will happen to them
• Uneasiness about how to deal with the situation
• Shame because they know it's not right
• Self-blame feeling they've done something to provoke the violence
• Low-self esteem feeling they don't deserve to be treated well
• Fear of being seriously hurt, of becoming pregnant
• Depression feeling despairing, tearful, helpless and hopeless, suicidal
• Denial-a tendency to deny or minimize the violence
• Defense of the abuser-to protect him/her from blame
• Use of alcohol or drugs-to escape anxiety or pain
• Feelings of loneliness or isolation-because the abuser has isolated the victim from friends and family and stopped her/him having a normal social life

Why do many teens keep dating violence secret?

Very few teens tell their parents or other adults they are involved in abusive relationships, some tell their friends, others tell no one.

Explanations for secretiveness include:

• Failure to understand they are victims
• Embarrassment, shame, confusion
• Threats from the abuser
• Fear the abuser will take revenge if they say anything
• Concern their parents will prevent them from seeing the abuser
• Concern they will lose privileges-like use of a car or freedom to go out as they please

What keeps teens in abusive dating relationships?

Reasons vary but include:

• Continuing emotional attachment feeling in love with/attracted to the abuser
• Fear that the abuser will hurt or kill them if they leave
• Lack of experience with healthy, non-abusive relationships
• Confusing jealousy and possessiveness with romance
• Social pressure to have and keep a boyfriend/girlfriend
• Isolation or alienation from friends and family members
• Feelings of low self-esteem and lack of confidence

Do programs designed to stop dating violence work?

There is some evidence that intervention programs can be effective one large study of 8th and 9th graders showed schools with "Safe Dates" programs resulted in very substantial reductions in reports of sexual violence and marked decreases in reports of psychological dating abuse

Ask yourself some questions

How can I tell if I'm a victim of teen dating violence?

Is my boyfriend/girlfriend:

• Jealous and possessive?
• Controlling and bossy?
• Quick tempered, with a history of fighting?
• Violent towards me or other people?

Does my dating partner:

• Give me orders and make all the decisions?
• Check up on me all the time?
• Refuse to allow me normal contact with my family and friends?
• Try to humiliate me?
• Call me names and insult me?
• Accuse me of having no sense of humor?
• Accuse me of provocation?
• Force me to have sex when I don't want to?
• Use alcohol or drugs and pressure me to do the same?
• Pressure me to have unprotected sex?
• Like to wrestle with me 'playfully' and hurt me?

Has my dating partner:

• Threatened to commit suicide if I leave the relationship or don't do what he/she wants?
• Attempted suicide because I wouldn't do what he/she wanted?
• Harassed or threatened me, or a former dating partner?
• Refused to accept the relationship isn't working or is over?

Why would I stay in an abusive relationship?

• You may be convinced the bad behavior will stop-because your partner apologizes, gives you gifts, and promises to behave better in future.
• You may have been taught to be forgiving or be forgiving by nature.
• You may not see the behavior as part of a pattern of abuse.
• You may not realize you are not responsible for the behavior.
• You may believe you are at fault and provoked the abuse.
• You may love your partner and not want to lose him/her.
• You may fear being left alone with no dating partner.
• You may know your partner was in the wrong, but are upset, frightened, and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Points to Remember

• Whatever the pattern or nature of the abuse, it's a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
• In healthy, non-abusive relationships, partners do not hurt each other.
• You are not to blame for your dating partner's abuse.
• Abusers are solely responsible for their behavior-whatever their habits or weaknesses.
• Alcohol and drug abuse may partly explain partner abuse but can never excuse it or make it right.
• If you are a teen mother, it is especially important to seek help and advice to ensure the safety and welfare of your child or children.
• Teen dating violence can cause long-term emotional and physical harm-you should take it seriously.
• Victim services professionals are there to advise and assist you-they can help you find the support and services you need.

Steps Victims Can Take

Get help

• Don't keep your worries to yourself—if you think you are in an abusive dating relationship, get some help immediately.
• Go to an adult you trust-like your teacher, school principal, counselor, or work supervisor.
• Contact a local victim services counselor-if you are unhappy with the response you get or don't know where to go, telephone us at 1-800-FYI-CALL CONTACT VICTIM SERVICES NOW .
• Some people working with teens have to inform parents or the police if a minor tells them about an abusive situation-if this possibility worries you, ask about confidentiality at the outset.

Focus on safety

• Create your own safety plan with help from a victim services provider.
• Safety planning means knowing in advance what to do, where to get help, who to call, how to escape danger.  Ask yourself:

• Where would you go for help?
• Who could you call?
• Who would help you?
• How would you escape a violent situation?
• What precautions can you take to make yourself safer?

• General precautions-examples:

• Discuss your concerns with those you trust-a friend, your parents, an older brother or sister, a counselor, a teacher.
• Let friends or family know when you are afraid or need special support.
• When you go out, say where you are going and when you'll be back.
• Know how to contact emergency services (police, victim services etc.).
• Memorize key phone numbers-people to contact or places to go in emergencies.
• Keep spare change and calling cards for sudden phone calls.
• If you don't want the abuser to contact you, change your beeper, pager, or cell phone number.
• Ask friends for their suggestions about safety.
• Talk to a victim services provider.

• School Safety-examples:

• Ask your teacher, school principal, counselor, or school security officer how you can stay safer in school.
• Stay around other kids before, during, and after school.
• Change your route to and from school.
• Travel to and from school with classmates.
• Learn more about Safety Planning.

Ask about orders of protection

• Court orders may help you stay safer by limiting contact between you and the abuser.
• If the abuser is a school student, the court may order a transfer to another school and/or treatment.
• Discuss the pros and cons of orders of protection with a victim advocateLearn more about Protective Orders.
• If you are a minor, your parents may have to apply to the court for the order on your behalf.

Keep a record of the abuse

• Keep a notebook or journal with details of abusive incidents.
• This record may be important if the abuse escalates and you want an order of protection, or if there's a criminal prosecution.

Reporting to the police

• Some dating violence is criminal and you can file a report with the police-if, for example, your dating partner rapes you, physically assaults you, threatens to kill you.
• If you are worried about reporting to the police, discuss it with a victim services provider.

How to Help a Friend

If you feel you can talk to your friend

• Express your concerns.  Victims are often afraid other people won't understand or are too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about their situation.
• Be a good listener-you may be the only person in whom your friend confides.
• Offer your friendship and support unconditionally.
• Ask how you can help.
• Be sympathetic and supportive in whatever ways you can.
• Encourage your friend to seek help.
• Educate yourself about healthy relationships and dating violence.
• Collect information that will promote your friend's safety.
• Give your friend information about victim service providers.
• Avoid any direct confrontation with the abuser-this could be dangerous for you and your friend.

Instead of passing judgment

• Understand that only the abuser is responsible for the violence.
• Remind yourself that your friend is not to blame.
• Remember that while you may hate the abuser for hurting your friend, your friend may not feel the same way.
• Accept that your friend may want the relationship to continue there have probably been many good times as well as bad and he/she may believe the abuser has changed or will change in the future.
• Remember that your friend does not have to hate her/his dating partner to be safe.

Instead of asking why your friend doesn't end the relationship

• Understand that this may make your friend more embarrassed, ashamed and self-blaming.
• Remember that your friend may be intimidated by the abuser or find it difficult to leave.
• Be aware that dating violence is about power and control and most victims feel powerless within the relationship.
• Contact a local victim services counselor-if you are unhappy with the response you get or don't know where to go, telephone us at 1-800-FYI-CALL CONTACT VICTIM SERVICES NOW.
• Remember that your friend may be in danger-abusers commonly resist victims' attempts to leave because it means they are losing control.

Instead of deciding what's best for your friend

• Help your friend reach her/his own decision.  Abuse makes victims feel powerless and helpless and if you try to "take over" it may reinforce your friend's negative feelings and be unhelpful.
• Understand that the process of making choices is itself empowering and valuable.
• Empower your friend to reach the right decision by being understanding, supportive, and encouraging.
• Remember your friend has to live with her/his decisions-not you.
• Be patient.
• Understand that it takes courage for victims of dating violence to take action.
• Be aware that most victims who leave violent relationships go back to the abusive partner several times before ending the relationship permanently.

Encourage your friend to get adult help

• Your friend's safety may depend on getting adult assistance and advice.
• You shouldn't try to handle dating violence problems alone your friend may be in serious danger.
• If your friend doesn't want to tell her/his parents, suggest a teacher, counselor, or victim service professional.
• People who work with teens can provide valuable help-but if your friend is a minor, she/he should be aware that they may be required (by law) to inform her/his parents or the police about the abuse.
• Involving school personnel should make it easier hold the abuser accountable and stop the abuse.

If you are worried but feel you can't talk to your friend

• Speak to an adult you trust-a teacher, school principal, counselor, school resource officer, parent, employer.
• Consult a local victim services provider.
• Call the police if you witness any violent episodes.
• If you don't know where to get assistance or are unhappy with the services you receive, phone us at 1-800-FYI-CALL.

How to Help Your Teen

• Try to control your emotions-it's normal to feel shocked, anxious, or angry when you learn about the dating violence, but your reaction may frighten your teen.
• Be encouraged that your teen is willing to confide in you.
• Remind yourself that teens have to become independent during adolescence.
• Be comforting and supportive.
• Educate yourself about dating violence LEARN MORE ABOUT RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE NOW.
• Understand that the abuser exerts power and control over the victim and it may be hard for your teen to end the relationship.
• Be aware that it may take time and courage for your teenager to leave the abuser.
• Don't try to stop your teen from seeing the abuser it may create mistrust and alienation without making your child any safer.
• Understand that teens rarely tell parents about dating violence, fearing they will question their judgment, try to take charge, or take away their privileges and independence.
• Tell your teen you are concerned about safety and discuss how she/he can stay safer.
• Help your teen explore her/his options and reach her/his own decisionsLEARN MORE ABOUT THE OPTIONS HERE. ORDERS OF PROTECTION, STATE LAWS, CIVIL LAW.
• Help your teen recognize his/her strengths Remind yourself and your teen that she/he is not to blame for the abuse.

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Copyright © 2003 by the National Victim Center.   This information may be freely distributed, provided that it is distributed free of charge, in its entirety and includes this copyright notice.

Abusive Relationships

Nemours Foundation

When Brian and Sarah began dating, all of her friends were jealous. Brian seemed like the perfect guy: smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and good-looking. For the first couple of months, Sarah thought she had never been happier. She started to miss her friends and family, though, because she was spending more time with Brian and less time with everyone else. That seemed easier than dealing with Brian's endless questions. He worried about what she was doing at every moment of the day.

Sarah's friends became concerned when her behavior started to change. She lost interest in the things she once enjoyed, like swimming and music. She became secretive and moody. When her friends asked Sarah if she was having trouble with Brian, she forcefully denied that anything was wrong. What was going on? Read this article to find out how to tell if you or a friend is being abused and what you can do about it.

What Is Abuse?

Everyone has heard the songs about how much love can hurt. But that doesn't mean physical harm: Someone who loves you should never abuse you. Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person.

Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. Sometimes abuse can even seem flattering; think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous. Maybe you've thought your friend's partner really cares about him or her. But actually excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.

Emotional abuse, like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others, can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, put-downs, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt - not just during the time it's happening, but long after, too.

It's never right to be forced into any type of sexual experience that you don't want. This type of abuse can happen to anyone, anytime.

The first step is to realize that you have the right to be treated with respect and not be physically or emotionally harmed by another person. But how can you prevent becoming involved in this type of relationship? How can you help a friend who is in an abusive relationship?

Signs That You Are Being Abused

Any type of unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. Phrases like "If you loved me, you would . . . " also should warn you of possible abuse. A statement like this is emotional blackmail from a person concerned about getting what they want. Trust your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

There are important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship. Abusive behaviors include:

• harming you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
• trying to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
• frequently humiliating you or making you feel unworthy; for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you
• coercing or threatening to harm you if you leave the relationship
• twisting the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
• demanding to know where you are at all times
• constantly becoming jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

Signs That a Friend Is Being Abused

In addition to the signs listed above, here are some signs of abuse to look for in a friend:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks
• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason
• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family
• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense

If a friend is being abused, the one thing your friend needs most is someone to hear and believe him or her. Maybe your friend is afraid to tell his or her parents because they'll make him or her end the relationship. People who are abused often feel like it's their fault - that they "asked for it" or that they don't deserve any better. But abuse is never deserved. Your friend needs you to help him or her understand that it is not his or her fault. Your friend is not a bad person. The person who abused him or her is at fault and needs professional help.

If you have a friend who is being abused, he or she needs your patience, love, and understanding. Your friend also needs you to encourage him or her to get help immediately from an adult, such as a parent or guidance counselor. Most of all, your friend needs you to listen to him or her without judging. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have been abused; let your friend know that he or she has your full support.

How You Can Help Yourself

What should you do if you are suffering from any type of abuse? If you can't love someone without feeling afraid, it's time to get out of the relationship fast. You're worth being treated with respect and you can get help.

First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult can help you. If the person has physically attacked you, don't wait to get medical attention or call the police. Assault is illegal, and so is rape - even if it's done by someone you are dating.

Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your friends and family. You might feel like you have nowhere to turn, or you might be embarrassed about what's been going on, but this is the time when you need support most. People like counselors, doctors, teachers, coaches, and friends will want to help you, so let them.

Don't rely on yourself alone to get out of the situation; the people who love and care about you can help you break away. It's important to know that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness - it actually shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing to stand up for yourself.

Where to Get Help

There are many resources available to help you. Your local phone book will list hundreds of crisis centers, teen help lines, and abuse hotlines. These organizations have professionally trained staff to listen, understand, and help.

Ending abuse and violence in teen relationships is a community effort with plenty of people ready to help. Don't forget about those in your neighborhood who will be willing and able to help: religious leaders, school nurses, teachers, school counselors, doctors, and other health professionals are all sources of support and information.

Original Article